Souls Don't Die...A Miscarriage Story

In August of 2013 I gave birth to my beautiful little girl Olivia. She was a perfect little angel. I went through my entire pregnancy without one hitch. It was textbook perfect. Labor was long (26 hours long) but not unusual for your first child.

When I was pregnant with Olivia I already knew then that she would not be an only child so by the time she was just over 2 years old I was pregnant again with our second.

I was so happy. I immediately scheduled my first prenatal appointment with my family nurse and of course I told all of our family and friends that we were expecting a little brother or sister for Olivia. Usually I would wait until after the first 3 months to pass and the dangers of miscarriage are mostly gone before telling too many people but I remember thinking 'my first pregnancy was so perfect why would this one be any different.'

So, I went to my see my nurse, we started my chart and she scheduled me for my first ultrasound so we could find out exactly how far along I was. I was relaxed and happy as I left my appointment to go home.

My ultrasound was scheduled for about 9 weeks along. I was about 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant using a home pregnancy test so I had about a month to wait to get in for my ultrasound. At first I was so excited to see my little girl or boy that I could hardly contain myself.

"I started to get this dreaded feeling deep down that something wasn't right. I ignored it, and of course blamed paranoia or anxiety."  

After a week or so passed I started to wonder when the morning sickness would start. I hadn't had any signs or symptoms that I was pregnant, but it I thought it's still pretty early and everything is probably fine.

Another week passed and still no morning sickness. No sore breasts, no cravings for the usual things I crave when I'm pregnant. I started to get this dreaded feeling deep down that something wasn't right. I ignored it, and of course blamed paranoia or anxiety. How could I possibly know if something was wrong?

As time passed and it got closer to my ultrasound that feeling of dread just kept getting deeper in my gut. When it was finally time for my appointment I still had not felt any symptoms of pregnancy at all but I also hadn't had any symptoms of miscarriage either. As I laid on the hospital bed in the ultrasound room I tying to control my thoughts I studied the technicians face for any signs of good or bad that she might be seeing on the screen. It was taking an excruciatingly long time for her to finish her exam. Then she looked at me and said " I will be back in a minute I just have to check something with the doctor." 

My heart dropped. I laid on that bed for what felt like an eternity waiting for her to come back. She came back with a senior technician who then proceeded to do their own exam moving the wand around my belly. She looked confused and would talk to the other technician once in a while but not saying anything that would give me any clue as to what was going on. I felt like I was going to burst! This was MY baby after all, in MY body so it felt very insulting to be left in the dark this whole time.

"I swallowed hard and then said "Is there a heartbeat?" Whatever she said to me at this point would..." 

Finally they finished, she turned the screen towards me so I could see my precious little creation and there was that perfect little shape. I could see that tiny little heart beating on the screen and for a moment I felt relief. Then I took a deep breath looked at the technician and asked what she had talked to the doctor about. Of course I got the standard answer of "I'm not allowed to give you your results  but your doctor will be in touch with you." She wouldn't tell me anything. I knew something was wrong.

I went home and immediately called my nurse to explain what had happened at the appointment. She was confused at why they wouldn't tell me any information but she pulled the results of the ultrasound that day and called me back. My babies growth was almost 2 weeks behind. I was 9 weeks pregnant but my baby was showing 7 weeks in size. The good thing was there was a heartbeat. She scheduled me for another ultrasound for the next week just to check to see if the baby had grown. The chances were 50/50 that the baby would grow or the heart would just stop, there was no way of telling which way it would go. So I waited.....in agony for a week.

When it was time for my ultrasound again I went in already knowing the answer. My baby was gone. I knew this time to trust my gut and my body. I still showed no signs or symptoms of pregnancy and I was 10 weeks along at this point.

The technician did her usual straight faced evaluation of my belly and baby. This time she didn't take as long before she left to talk to a doctor. She came back and said the results were being sent to my nurse, but she didn't offer to let me see the baby this time. I knew what she would say if I asked her what was wrong so I asked one very specific yes or no question. I swallowed hard and then said "Is there a heartbeat?" Whatever she said to me at this point would reveal the answer to that question unless she lied which I'm pretty sure isn't allowed. She actually answered me..."I can't see one." Then she very quickly left the room.

Although I knew that would be the answer to my question actually hearing those words were just as devastating as if I hadn't been expecting this to happen at all.

"I must be a horrible Mother to be able to feel so happy about this new pregnancy when..." 

It took a week for the miscarriage to physically happen. The pain emotionally and physically was excruciating but thankfully the whole ordeal was over pretty quickly. Now all I had to do was tell all those people that I had told previously that I was pregnant what had happened. It was like reliving the entire thing over and over each time someone asked how my pregnancy was going. It was weeks of well intentioned comments and advise. People don't really know what to say but feel they have to say something so you get a lot of the generic "time heals all" and "at least it happened early on and not later". Although all of these things are true it doesn't help at the time when you feel like you are being swallowed into a deep dark hole in the Earth right beneath your feet.

Eventually though, time did pass and it did seem to get easier. I didn't ask myself the self blaming questions as often any more. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? If only I hadn't done this or that. When in fact miscarriage is most often something entirely out of your control. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't my fault at all.

The Second Hurdle

This all happened in January of 2015. By the end of the summer I was feeling much better and had gotten back into the swing of things. Then in September I found out I was pregnant again. Of course I wanted this. I didn't do anything to try and avoid it happening. I was happy in the initial moment of finding out that I was pregnant. Then the fear set in and the what if's started to flood my mind. Could I go through this again? It would kill me if the same thing happened. These I'm very sure are normal reactions after one has had a recent miscarriage but the big one I wasn't expecting was the anger and guilt.

The day I had found out I was pregnant again was days before my due date from the previous pregnancy would have been. I was supposed to be meeting my baby now not starting over having another one like the last never existed or wasn't important enough. I felt so guilty and so angry with myself.

I didn't know how to feel excited or plan for this new baby without having the guilt in the back of my mind that I must be a horrible Mother to be able to feel so happy about this new pregnancy when I should obviously still be grieving for the last one. This was irrational I know, but at the time it was the overwhelming thought in my mind.

I wasn't until my husband stopped me one day and said..." Souls don't die...there was something not working with the body of our child and so God took back that soul and when there was a better body he sent that soul back to us." I believe my baby was born that September. She was born inside of me. My daughter is due in 3 weeks from the time I write this. I am so excited to meet her. The feelings of guilt have subsided and most of the what if questions are gone. I will always think about the one that was lost but I then think about what my husband said to me and it helps give me peace. 

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Top 5 Infographics To Get You Through Pregnancy

1. Staying Active During Pregnancy

This doesn't mean that you should go out and run a marathon. However, doing light activity that stays within your trimester limits is a great way to stay healthy and keep off those extra pounds over and above the normal extra baby weight. 

It will help you to stay energetic and keep your muscles toned to better deal with the extra weight you will have to carry throughout your term. 

Below is a great infographic explaining safe activities for each trimester and some of the benefits of exercising during pregnancy. Remember though that everyone is different and if you were not active before you got pregnant you should take that into account when choosing activities while you are pregnant. If you aren't sure talk with your doctor or midwife.

Image via: Weight Training Program Safe for Pregnant Women





2. Sleeping During Pregnancy Is Tough

It's tough to get a good nights rest while pregnant no matter what trimester you are in. In the beginning you are dealing with fluctuating hormones, nausea and the constant need to go to the loo. 

The second trimester is usually better and things in general get a little bit easier. You have more energy, the nausea has usually subsided by now and you have that wonderful pregnancy glow you keep hearing people talk about. Although it is a happier time during pregnancy the second trimester still has its cons when it comes to slumber.

Then there is the third trimester. Just when you thought you were feeling better. The third trimester brings its own set of woes and even brings back some from the first trimester. The first trimester exhaustion hits again, and frequent trips to the loo will be all too familiar. You are heavier at this point making sleep difficult. 

You may notice that your legs are restless (called RLS or Restless Leg Syndrome) when you lay down making it hard to fall asleep. They may cramp while your sleeping and wake you up. The size of your bump may make it difficult to get comfortable which doesn`t help with the extra aches and pains that are happening right now. This trimester is the worst one for sleep troubles but there are ways to get through it.... and remember the outcome is worth it in the end.

This is a handy infographic detailing some sleep issues for each trimester and tips for how to deal with them.

From Visually.

3. To Eat or Not To Eat?

I hesitated a little bit when adding this infographic to this post. We really have enough to worry about while pregnant as it is, without having to worry about what we eat. Sometimes people can go overboard with what to eat and what not to eat while pregnant and I don't like feeding peoples fears & anxieties. Ultimately I decided to include it because there are some very useful points. I agree that consuming un-pasteurized milk while pregnant and eating raw fish isn't the best idea. 

To be very honest the risks of eating certain foods while pregnant don't change for when you aren't pregnant. The issue is that illnesses like salmonella and listeria while they will make you very sick they can cause harm or even death to an unborn baby. 

That being said I am 8 months pregnant with my second child. I eat my eggs runny and with my first child hot dogs was a staple craving for me. The idea is to make sure your food is clean and cooked properly so limit your risk of illness.

So take a look at the infographic below. It is a fantastic guideline to use along with your own feelings and common sense and remember if you are ever unsure you can always ask your doctor or midwife.

From Naturalon

4. How Big Is That Baby In My Belly?

This is one of my favorites. I loved checking every week to see how much my baby was growing and what they were doing and able to do. It helped me connect better even though I couldn't physically see her I had an image in my mind of what she looked like on that particular week. After she started to move I needed less of a mental image since it was clear to me what she was doing in there! This infographic is a complete list showing growth, symptoms & little tidbits of information week by week all the way up to 42 weeks.

Embedded from uCollect Infographics

5. Travelling During Pregnancy

I didn't travel much during either of my pregnancies. The furthest I went was a 6 hour car ride to visit my mother in Nova Scotia but there are still things to consider if you are going to be away from home while pregnant. Always let your doctor or midwife know you are planning to travel. They will know based on your history and how your pregnancy is going whether or not it is a good idea to travel.

If you do decide to travel here is a great infographic with some tips on preparing for your trip and how to make travelling a little more comfortable.

You can also find more infographics at Visualistan

4 Things Nobody Tells You About Pregnancy

tipstimes.com/pregnancy

Here are some things I learned throughout my first and second pregnancies that nobody explained to me when I got pregnant. Everyone is so busy being happy for you that they forget to tell you the big important stuff. Or maybe they don't tell you because they are worried about scaring you. Pregnancy has it's ups and downs but is still well worth it in the end.


1. Labor hurts, and so does post labor!

The birth of a baby is a beautiful thing don't get me wrong, but the truth is labor hurts! Most women will tell you that yes it's painful but don't worry, once you see that little baby you will forget all about it.

When I had my first daughter and she was placed in my arms for a split second I forgot about the pain and nothing else existed then except for her and I but once that moment was over I can't say that I had forgotten all about the pain.

After you've given birth you still have to deal with the pain of not being able to sit properly for weeks especially if you've torn during delivery. Would I do it again? Of course and I can say that since I am 8 months pregnant with my second child as I write this, but this time I know what to expect.


2. It's OKAY to have an epidural. 

This one is a follow up from the first point I posted. The big thing lately is that epidurals come with risks and you should do everything possible to avoid them and have a natural birth. The fact that epidurals have risks is not shocking. Everything we do has risks...taking medication, driving a car, crossing the street etc. The idea is to weigh how severe the risks are before you go ahead.

When I was pregnant with my first I decided I didn't want an epidural. I told my husband that no matter what I said do not let me get one. I was convinced that if I couldn't handle the pain of labor without drugs then in some way that meant I was weak.

I went through a 26 hour labor almost entirely without pain relief. Finally it was my husband that convinced me to get the epidural. I gave in after 23 hours of no sleep and constant contractions. After the pain subsided I was finally able to get some rest while waiting for my cervix to dilate enough to start delivery. Nothing bad happened, my daughter did not have any issues or birth defects and I actually believe that without the epidural I would not have had the energy to push her out myself, which would definitely have result in a cesarean.

Moral of the story, if you feel you need it there is nothing embarrassing or shameful about asking for pain relief.

If you want to learn more about epidurals you can read more about it on Baby Centre. This is a website that I frequently visit and find their advise is very practical and well written.
 http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a542571/epidural



3. Morning sickness doesn't just happen in the morning.

Don't let the name morning sickness fool you! Morning sickness can happen at anytime of day or night and for some of us unlucky Mama-to-Be's it can last all day.

I had morning sickness all day long with my first pregnancy up until 8 weeks. With my second I had it all day and all night right up to almost 16 weeks. During my second pregnancy I was prescribed a medication call Diclectin to help alleviate the symptoms since I was not able to eat or do anything except lay on the couch which is not conducive to having a 2 year old toddler running around. On the other hand some women experience none to very little morning sickness.



4. The big "Gush" of your water breaking mostly just happens in the movies.

Only 1 in 10 women experience their waters breaking before contractions and labor begins. Most of the time your waters will break towards the end of the first stage of labor.

It is also normal to have to have your waters broken manually by the doctor in the delivery room. This is something that happened to me during my first pregnancy. You may not feel that "gushing" feeling that is often shown in the movies, it might just be a slow trickling feeling.

If you think that your waters may have broken before labor begins there are steps to take. Baby Centre has a great post explaining what happens if your waters break and what to do if they break early.  http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1053562/when-your-waters-break